@hipchkk: I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, "Period!"
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@MrAdamBez: *gets sentenced to 25 years in prison* *opens twitter app* *looks up* *being released*
@HatfieldAnne: The orthodontist says I'm doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I'm able to put things in my mouth.
@XLToast: No son, you can't go out with your friends. Tonight we're installing Windows Updates, as a family.