I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
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Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.