I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
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My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER