I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
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Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?