@CakeThrottle: I keep getting bills from the Memory Erasing Clinic but I've never been there
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@stephenjmolloy: [Gameshow] Host: "You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?" Me: "With my hands." Host: "Correct!" *crowd goes nuts*
@joe_binkley: "I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident." "Ok, but we already said you got the job."
@sarah1mc: I should probably see someone about my mental health, like a drug dealer or bartender or something.
@joejwest: LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list] bread milk cheese eggs vengeance [he stops writing, frowns] v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶ grapes