[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
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Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
WHO DID THIS?
The sacred texts.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.