@Carmel_Coleman: I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That'll teach 'em. Can't unsee that.
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@jngraphs: *Writes a song for you* *Sings it under your bedroom window* *You call the cops* *Your husband falls in love with me*
@daemonic3: "Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?" STEVE: How about a Kasteve? BOB: I have a better idea
@captainkalvis: [looking at a criminal line up] me: *gasps* holy shit cop: what? do you recognize your wife's killer? me: i have that same shirt [pressing intercom] #4 is that from Old Navy?
@AnkCoupleTO: Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day* Her: You eat too much candy, you're going to make me a widow Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*