What in the hipster hell is going on here
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Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.