Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
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My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter