I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
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When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
R.I.P.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Breaking news:
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Ah..makes sense now
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you