I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
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“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch