I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
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Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*