the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
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Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
what is cheese if not milk persevering
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.