I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
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I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
#inspiration #foodforthought
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two