Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
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If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
So we got a goldfish…
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings