I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
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You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Only short people can save us
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!