@hazelmotes1: I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I'm shocked by your behavior.
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@topaz_kell: Never trust a sweet talker.. They probably just want you to undo the zip ties so they can escape.
@truegritrumble: ME: I'm gonna plug my Twitter handle. WIFE: Please don't. ME: I'm gonna do it *walks to the microphone in front of the funeral*
@noog: [sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird] “Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”