I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
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Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Every time.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*