@ilovepie84: Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

@noogscorner: When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You're experiencing what scientists refer to as "the eye of the shitstorm."

@Smooheed: FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE I yelled at my gynecologist

@djdarrellripley: Her: Isn't she your girlfriend? Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn't checked her voice mail yet...

@knot_eye: Relationship Status: My dog was just licking my ear. I didn't stop her.