@GoddessTitty: NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE Waiter: ahem *points to sign* Me: oh that's fine, I'm not ordering anything

@WritePlay: *dog barks at absolutely everything, every time* Me: SHUT UP *dog barks at burglar, one time* Me: It's like he just knew there was danger

@caperbc75: First off I want to commend you for taking part in credit counselling. Now, under assets you wrote "like an onion". Can you clarify?

@daemonic3: Son? "Yes dad?" If they ever put me on my death bed... I want you to... "Yes?" Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf

@FunnyMojoJojo: Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving...