If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
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ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
yea so i messed up lol
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
sigh
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job