@Cheeseboy22: I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it's the scientists that aren't washing their hands?
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@mrjohndarby: Dr: Does it hurt when I do this? Me: Yes, a bit Dr: And now? Me: Yes, that's very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
@zachreinert03: My 5th grade teacher said my life would never be worth anything but my wife paid a homeless man $3 to kill me so suck it Mrs. Jacobsen
@AristotlesNZ: 5yo: Dad! Dad! Wake up! Me: What? What's wrong? 5yo: You said last night you need to be up by 7.. Me: It's 4am! 5yo: I can't tell time..
@geekysteven: "Why didn't any of you go back and kill Hitler?" TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935. "Who?" TT: Bingo