“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
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i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Bringing home a sharpie
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.