I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
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My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
we’re dead?
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.