One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
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Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen