I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
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Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting