I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
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Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.