I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
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I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Well, that should do it
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Beware…..
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea