I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
You Might Also Like
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing