I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
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Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
#SuperBowl
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon