@djdarrellripley: Her: What are you reading? Me: "Sex and the Single Guy." Her: What's that about? Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

@imadepoopstoday: Practicing parenthood on an egg only teaches kids that if you cook your baby it's delicious.

@MarkusJ: finally, the ants are going to rise up and claim their rightful place as masters of this wretched planet

@RidiculousSheri: You know what cats don't like? Blow dryers. You know what's funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat. Anyway, I lost an eye today.

@theshamingofjay: If you jump through the hole in a hipster's earlobe you get transported to a SIMS game where the only people are Harry Potter characters