I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
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FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Happy weekend !
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*