I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
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*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
time for some seasonal decor
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.