@fatherofcomedy: I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
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@Abusitron: I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
@ForEllieSylvia: M: What do you want for dinner? H: I don't care, you decide M: Sushi? H: No, but whatever. M: Mexican? H: Nah, but your call. He's dead now
@ericsshadow: Beer makes me feel invincible. Vodka makes me feel innvienceablrerrer. *falls down*
@CauseWereGuys: My roommate is 3 days younger than me so ive gotten in the habit of saying “when i was your age..” and then describing what i did 3 days ago