@fatherofcomedy: I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
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@thenatewolf: Me: goodnight kids Kids: goodnight dad Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT
@Jeff_G_Nixon: GOD: look what I created [points to clouds] ANGEL: what am I lookin at? GOD: Is it a bunny? A man face? It's up to you! ANGEL: are you high?