@fatherofcomedy: I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
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@bobvulfov: ME: why is my son failing TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he'll be intelligent ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
@BubblesnBooze: I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you'll never know.
@Donna_Gallers: Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.