@shkeeber: I killed a man once, because killing him twice is a physical impossibility.
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@welfarehoe: Hubs: You didn't do anything today did you? Me: I did the dishes. Hubs: There was only one. Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
@ItsAndyRyan: Convince neighbours you're shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann's mayonnaise.
@PaperWash: [driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on] moth driving: omg moth wife: Harold no we have a baby moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD