Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
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Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
The pasta is now
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]