I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
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[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property