“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
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#SuperBowl
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle