Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
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sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
what day is it?
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
*puts words between two asterisks*
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”