I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
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Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD