I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
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I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Who called it baking and not making love
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.