[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
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Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Well well well…
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Dead sexy!!
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*