“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
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Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I have a new favorite meme page
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug