I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
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inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key