@WilliamAder: I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
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@1CleverClogs: My diet plan is just watching my 400 pound coworker lick her lips and sweat as she describes her dinner from last night.
@emilymaej: I told my niece if I cut her open she would just be made of chicken quesadillas and she said if she cut me open I'd just be dead. Smart kid.
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine. FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied. ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.