I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
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The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
handsome & gretel
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas