@lakeanagirl: I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn't find her cigarette.
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@hashtag_stacks: 'Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate'- my autobiography
@respected_loner: just found out today that monkeys don't lay eggs. so what have i been buying on craigslist. what have i been eating
@iwearaonesie: wife: Why didn't you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?! me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
@Sassafrantz: Becky on FB is "too blessed to be stressed" so I told her that I slept with her boyfriend.