I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
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I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
#MeanwhileinCanada
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.