@lakeanagirl: I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn't find her cigarette.
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@dril: fired for "unleashing rats at work" which is bull shit first off because they don't make leashes for rats
@revious: My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole
@StymieBrewer: Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.