I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
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Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.