I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
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poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Hamburger Hinderer.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Finished stitching this today 😇
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.