I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
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“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
The future is now.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?