“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
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A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*