ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
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A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.