3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
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What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
your honor my client chooses dare
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”